This is Me

Photo Courtesy: amandafinneseth.theworldrace.org

Writing has always been more of a passion for me than a talent, even though both go hand in hand. It’s a lot of things for each writer and among them, time consuming. You can blame work, busy schedule or even the freak of nature procrastination, but for me, it’s been more of the why I do it.

I’ve always been an introvert (1), since as long as I can remember. A couple of years back though, I had no idea I was one or even if it actually existed for that matter. I was the weird one; terrified of small talk and couldn’t keep one up without diving too deep. Some of my most embarrassing moments was when I say something and everyone bursts out laughing not because I was funny, but because they had no idea what I was talking about, as usual I would laugh along because hey, at least I made them laugh, right?

There is Light in Darkness, they say, and mine was this handful of friends I bumped into while crossing this waterless sea. They made staying there something to look forward to everyday when I got out of bed, well, apart from the annoying ringing warden’s bell and the hot canes you get for not completing those assignments. But man did I stick with them, glue ain’t got nothing on me. They knew how to make me talk and share, sometimes I didn’t even have to say a word, I just had to listen, and at those moments, I forget how lonely feels like. Unlike me, they could handle others so well, probably that’s why I liked them so much, because technically, like all others, they ‘handled’ me…but still, they were awesome either way :-p

That lot was not the only thing I bumped into those days. Through one of them, I discovered writing; a form of expression, a form that understood me, who I was, and in turn, gave me a platform to speak to others, a platform that translated me to the world, a platform that gave me a voice where I was voiceless…and now, I had a chance to stand up for those whom did not have such a platform…through one of them, I had finally found my calling, my purpose, my gift, and I was ready to use it to the fullest…

Years passed by. I finally finished high school and here I was, an undergraduate ready for life without class bells and curfews. A new slate, a new beginning, I thought. No one knew of me here so I would be who I want, I thought. I was wrong.
It was high school all over again. But this time, I wasn’t going to even bother trying to socialize. I had learnt my lesson well enough. If it’s alone people make me feel, I’ll do the courtesy all by myself and besides, I didn’t mind it anyways; it’s in my genes L.O.L. Most people think that when you are sad and feel alone you’ll be like a scene from walking dead with black tears flowing out of your eyes, dirty patched ripped 7 week clothes and spikes coming out of you that you got stumbling across a booby trapped front yard for anyone who dares to get close. Ok, maybe not that graphic but I think you get my point. In fact, the most happiest of people aren’t really always happy, they are just that good at hiding their sadness and trials from others. They learnt that whatever tribulation came their way, it’s going to end, and that longing, that tiny possibility…they hold on to that…they Hope.

Anyways everything was now a routine; wake up, get ready, class, long walks, stories with roommates, deen, long walks, more deen, sleep late, wake up, get ready, and so forth...it was simple. There is watching movies and series somewhere in there but yeah, simple uncomplicated life. Well until one night where the innate nature of human beings in being social beings took place. I honestly don’t remember how exactly it happened but I met a few people after that night. And like high school, the lot was back too, like ‘The Lot 2: Grad School’, and am sure you could make a series out of your lots too so you get what I mean.

It was fun being amongst this lot and I mean cwazy fun (Crazy with a ‘w’ :-p). I did most of the smiling in the group because they were also extroverts (2). Lol, I remember practicing responses to common questions before going to hang just to make sure the obvious was covered. I mean they could answer a phone or talk with anyone like it was putting on shoes. That to me was fascinating and add that to the kookoo in all of it, all I needed was popcorn to complete the hangout pack. Sometimes I wondered why I was even ‘needed’ there because I was their audience most of the time. Never really got that.

When you walk with perfume vendors, some of it ends up rubbing off on you. So with time, I learnt a few tricks with the whole innate nature thing and as for now, am sure I can’t fail to impress a few with them. I could call myself an ambivert (3) now but I believe introvert or not, a good friend can always turn a frown to a smile that often leads to rib cracking, breath-taking laughs that make the word seem like an understatement. And as for the present, life is happening and each one of us is being taken to where they are supposed to be, playing the role they were meant to play in others’ lives, regardless of what movie it is, nothing can change or stop it. Everything comes at its own pace and time, and everyone has their own, independent of another’s and that’s is just how life is; always progressing; always moving forward.

As for me, am a counselor now among other things, well not a big one and often work with peers but, I can tell you either one of three things is happening to you at this point: Either you are feeling for me, see this as an attention seeking stunt prepped with lots of complains, or you are just enjoying a good read. But let me just say that whatever of the three, this isn’t for you. This is for me. This is for me to finally be free of all the judgements, all the doubts, the conflicts, the fears…for all that I see as troubles and obstacles...for all my demons, my struggles… and frankly, most of you don’t really know me and even more of you probably never will for more than just a writer whose work you like, and that’s ok because, that Is life. But this…this is my life…This is Me.

So I must wonder, what’s your story?

Key
1. A shy, reticent person
2. An outgoing, overtly expressive person
3. A person whose personality has a balance of extrovert and introvert features.